I crashed, again.

On friday night when I was cooking and cleaning the bathroom and preparing for dnn to come, he called me. Obviously too many things went wrong that night. At first the train from princeton to princeton junction was broke (again!). So he had to walk the long way back to his company, called me, and drove to Hamilton and hoped to catch the train there. Then he couldn't find a parking place near the train station and in a hurry he somehow left his wallet in his car. So, when he was close to penn station he found out that he lost his wallet. Further, he forgot to bring his cellphone. So in a word he was stuck there. I don't know why the train broke down whenever he took the train. Maybe I should not call him trouble maker anymore since now it sounds like a curse. But why my curse doesn't work for those who I want to curse?

Anyway, back to the topic. Obviously I couldn't handle it that he can't come friday night and it has to wait until saturday noon earliest to see him. The minute I dropped the phone I cried out. This is just too much. Why is it so hard on me? Yeah I think it's just because of the pressure of funding and teaching and publication that pushed me to a corner that I can not hold up. Preparing and waiting for dnn to come was like a break from the high pressure so that I could forget about those things that I got to do and had to succeed. And I can expect that just after a couple of hours I can talk to him about what is happening to me and what I feel and seek for comfort and encouragement. So several hours difference at this point seems to be a big deal! Several hours! How can I manage to get over it. What should I do next? And the big disappointment was that he forgot his cellphone. That means I had to wait for another hour to talk to him on the phone. Why was he not there when I needed him the most? It was just the helplessness that broke me down.

Eventually it turned out ok and I didn't work much for the weekend. Shoot. Whatever! Life goes on and who cares anyway!

Anti-control freak

I hate control freak. Whenever there are someone who wants me to do something, I call them control freak. They are annoying, aren't they? -- Why the hell do they care what I want to do anyway?

Obviously dnn knows this. He even remarked once: you are an anti-control freak. Whatever others say to you, you will surely act to the contrary, even when the others just wanted to care for me. This is a typical conversation between us.

me: I am so hungry. I am starved.
dnn: Go cook something! Find something to eat!
me: NO!

没头脑和不高兴

以前沙和尚高兴的时候，喜欢抓着我的手左右乱挥，有一次挥到门框上，我的手给碰出血，从此他再不敢这样做。

我们去买家具，沙和尚也是很兴奋的在show room里走来走去，忽然听到一声响，不知道他怎么就把一张餐桌的桌面给搞下来了。#·￥·%·#·%

前两天我在bookstore看到一个coffee mug，上面写着大字-- troublemaker。我迫不及待的买下来送给沙和尚做礼物。

我刚搬家来东部的时候，天气热得很，我每天都很烦躁。经常抱怨：me not liky。沙和尚说，you are so hard to please。

我回答，because someone always wants to please me。

My typical weekend life

Friday: happy, pick up dnn from the train station, relax, there is a loooooooooooooooong weekend ahead.

Saturday: watch cartoon, do laundry, idle, work a bit.

Sunday: Feel guilty, weekend almost passed and no work done, anxious, bad temper, dnn is scared and keep away from me.

Life is tough

I know I should be optimistic and always consider challenge as a fun game and battle with it. Then why do I always worry about it? I am afraid of failure. I am so scared that I would fail to such an extent that I even want to give up. I know, this thought is so shameful. And worrying does not help at all. So just stop thinking about it, and do the job.

我是做动感算法的小屁屁超人

娃哈哈哈哈。

动感算法：kinetic algorithms

理想主义和享乐主义

这是为什么我总是沮丧和沙和尚为什么总是高兴的根本原因。

Long island

I am a person full of complaint. So naturally, when I move to a new place, I complain about it.

Qing asked me what long island is like. I said not good. She asked how not. Actually I don't really know exactly what are not so good. I told her it's a small town type of place, too countryside. So she asked, like princeton? Oh, no, not as upscale. Like berkeley? Not as dynamic. And not as beautiful as palo alto. Not as fun as new york.... Okay, qing said. You are comparing it to the best aspect of the other places...

Today, an early saturday morning, after some rain last night, with light breeze over the face, a fresh smell of green grass, a cup of coffee at hand, I start to feel that maybe it isn't really that bad.

沙和尚+蜡笔小新

最近的四个事情：

1，因为沙和尚不认路，所以我教给他，在拐弯的路口，要找标志性建筑物，比如，我指了指前方的一个bank of america，噢，沙和尚做明白状，左看右看，大叫：这个路口的标志性建筑物就是一个yield sign。我晕。。。。

2，我们去吃一家buffet，沙和尚很喜欢吃里面的蒸的鱼，但是只吃边上的一小点蒸的比较嫩的肉。我表示不满，说他：你还真难伺候呢！他回答：不要因为困难就放弃哦~~~

3，我更新我的网页，用的是一个稍微老一点版本的microsoft frontpage，总也搞不定，沙和尚自告奋勇来帮忙，一会说搞好了。我跑过来看，发现teaching一栏下写着：How to Control Husband 101。

4，一次谈话时谈到杨振宁，沙和尚很开心地说：等我到29岁的时候就achieve了杨82岁才achieve的事情 -- 娶了一个28岁的老婆。

敝帚自珍

要搬家的时候才发现有这么多东西。带是定然都带不走的。然而整理的时候，却什么都不想丢掉。

我的一套盘子，还是刚刚来美国的时候买的，很粗的瓷，又沉，花纹却朴实可爱。在walmart的20块钱买的，用了这么多年，一个都没有坏，跟随我搬了这么多次家，这次要扔掉很是舍不得。

只是因为太有感情了。我看到这个花纹，就觉得亲切，是自己的盘子，是自己的家，自己的饭。别的盘子再漂亮，也没有这种熟悉的踏实的安定感。

童话中的小王子对一片玫瑰说，“你们很美，但你们是空虚的。没有人能为你们去死。当然罗，我的那朵玫瑰花，一个普通的过路人以为她和你们一样。可是，她单独一朵就比你们全体更重要，因为她是我浇灌的。因为她是我放在花罩中的。因为她是我用屏风保护起来的。因为她身上的毛虫（除了留下两三只为了变蝴蝶而外）是我除灭的。因为我倾听过她的怨艾和自诩，甚至有时我聆听着她的沉默。因为她是我的玫瑰。”

世界上的漂亮盘子太多了，世界上的玫瑰太多了，世界上的沙和尚也太多了，但是之所以这个盘子，这朵玫瑰，这一个沙和尚，对我这么重要，只是因为 --- 她是我的玫瑰。

Sell my junk and feel mad

Okay, I am selling my junk furnitures these days. I put up a webpage with pictures and wait for people to come and buy. Then this Indian guy called me and said he would be interested in buying my mattress. Okay, sounds good! Then he came and said oh he is a poor student and can't afford $100 for a mattress. Oh, well, then I feel sympathetic and asked him how much he would like to pay. He said $75. I really think that $100 is already a good price considered how much I paid for that bed when I bought it. Finally I said yes. He then asked whether he can take the dresser too for $5 more. What??? He drove me crazy. I suddenly felt very mad. What is he talking about? He made me feel like my stuff is cheap. Get out of my place, right now! I hate those people who always bargain bargain bargain... It's moving sale and the price is already very low. They still want to push it lower. Come on. That reaches my limit and I am getting really mad at him.

Somehow this selling makes me think. Some people just don't appreciate others' kindness, but instead try to take advantage of it. Qing told me the story of her moving sale. A guy came in and bargained and insisted to buy a big TV for $20 and asked Qing, a person who may only live for 5 more years, to help him carry it to his car --- a BMW convertible.

The really funny thing about the Indian guy is, before he left, he insisted to leave with me his phone number. He repeated said to me that I must call him if I can not sell my stuff before thursday. I know what he thinks, he thinks if I cannot sell them before I leave then he can further take advantage of it and dream to buy the rest of my stuff with $1.

I would never call him. I'll just give the unsold stuff out or throw them away.

Trip back to stanford

It is always nice to go back to stanford. Qing's apartment is nice too, right at Palo Alto downtown, only 1.5 blocks to restaurants.

I also watched a movie --- the march of the penguins. It's very impressive. It's really amazing that the penguins spend so much effort just to reproduce. After the movie I changed my nick on MSN to be "as strong as a penguin". There is a stunning scene in the movie that the male penguins gather together to get warm in a freezing storm with the spectacular southern lights on the sky. I couldn't get rid of this scene from my mind till now. The nature exhibits to us its top-most fascinations in the harshest environment with strongest animals. Ya, life is like that, and I should be tough, be strong, be like a penguin.

I hope you dance

If you can figure out a way to keep the energy and gumption and fire alive, you'll always stay young. And where there's youth, there's hope... where there's hope, there's wonder... where there's wonder, there's faith... where there's faith, there's chance... where there's chance, there's love...where's there's love, there's music... and dancing. So in my heart of hearts, I hope you dance.

我想当一个witch

看了电影be witched。

第一个想法是：这样我就可以想发多少论文就发多少论文了。

第二个想法是：可是那样还有意思吗？

那个似曾相识的人

因为今天要早起给报告，昨天晚上很早就躺到床上去。旅馆里king size的大床，软软的鸭绒被，加上淡淡的肥皂香，但是失了悃，很久睡不着，慢慢的想事情。

开始想将来搬到东部去，也要买这样一个大床放在家里，这样沙和尚周末回来，就有这样舒服的床睡。又想到他现在睡的鸭绒被也是我给买的。这个人，自己不会照顾自己，过得苦行僧一样而不自知。以前一直盖一床出国时就带来的被子，他们南方又没有好棉花，本来带来的时候被絮就是陈的，睡了几年重的跟铁似的，还是乐呵呵的盖着。后来我买了鸭绒被，给他盖上，让他摸摸，教给他，这个多么软又轻又暖和。我还自己缝了被罩，买了柔软的棉布，手工的一针一针缝了两个晚上。后来沙和尚得意得秀这个被罩给我妈妈：很了不起的样子，看，这个被罩是她自己缝的呢。

说到这里，忍不住又想起以前在大学的日子。虽然我知道，人的记忆是不真实的，总是美化着美好的事物，遗忘着痛苦的回忆。可是可是，真的，我整个大学的美好的时刻，就是那些实际上及其普通平常但是我就觉得无比浪漫的时刻。

就是在二教的教室里自习，炎热的夏天，沙和尚坐我后面的桌子，过堂风吹过，书页哗哗的翻着。

就是有一天，我做了个决定，走到一个教室里，沙和尚穿着他那件咖啡条绒外罩趴在桌上打盹，我敲了敲他面前的桌子。

就是一个傍晚，下自习的时候，我匆匆忙忙的回宿舍的时候，他从旁边的黑暗中跳出来，说：我能跟你说几句话吗？

就是在一个非常肮脏的食堂的刷碗的水池子里，他扭过头来，问我叫什么。我傻傻的看着他回答他。

一见钟情。什么是一见钟情呢，就是那么一个人向你走来，他也许衣冠不整，也许疲惫不堪，也许声音都是嘶哑的，但是你心里就是觉得有什么东西开始变化了。你就是突然觉得，这个人，为什么感觉这么亲密，好像前生见过，像是分开许久又重逢一样。而且因为分开太久，那么此生那是一定要牵扯在一起的，那么目光一定要停留不分离的。

想到在红楼梦里，宝玉第一次见到林妹妹，说：这个妹妹好像哪里见过。

琼瑶真是要羞死啊。再没有任何一句话，能够比这一句话更真实贴切了。爱的开始就是这样，你从远方走来，说一生hi，从此便一同走，再不分开。

写着写着居然写哭了。是激动的。为什么我能碰到这个人，能够这么体谅我。能在这个纷乱的世界里，一直用温柔的目光陪伴我，一直用宽广的肩膀容纳我。能有这么一个人让我来爱，是一件多么幸福的事。

无题

我上高二的时候，从学校回家，赶上下雨。回到家挺晚的，爸爸给我下的挂面吃，还切了盘牛肉。然后我爸就去把我的车子推到小屋里去，那几天他的脚被玻璃割破 了还没好，我看着他的绷带，觉得很心疼。当时我很羞涩，青春期，不可能象小孩子一样表示对父亲的亲昵，又尚不能将自己做成人看待。所以我不知道如何表达感 情，现在非常后悔。

后来我爸爸住院的时候，说想吃砂锅豆腐，最后也没吃到。这件事我一直不能忘怀，每次想起来都落泪。

他那场病生得太急了。我心理根本没有准备，象一场梦一样。一下子生活中出现了分水岭，后来的生活跟以前永远永远都不一样了。

现 实生活中我似乎很快就进入了新的生活。感情上总是不能接受。一直到现在都没有。我总觉得我爸爸的眼睛就在不远处看着我，沉默地，温柔地，飘洋过海地，看着 我。我非常后悔当年没有勇气对爸爸讲我真的很爱他。我希望他是知道我的，我希望他原谅我当时的沉默。我只不过是不勇敢，我后悔极了。

A virtual identity

People who knew this blog don't know who I am in real life. And vice versa.

Sometimes I want to keep it that way. I have two faces, one in real life and one on the Internet. In fact, if I think more, I have more than one face in real life too. With my parents, I am the good daughter who is caring and confident and brave. With dnn, I am the naughty little girl who wants a lot of care. With myself, oh, I know that is the real me.

This real me has a lot of weakness. She is sensitive. She is fragile. She is afraid of many things. She is very demanding. She cries a lot.

A girl

It sometimes feels strange that some people easily get together and become friends, and some others just can not, no matter how hard each tried.

I have a habit of checking on the Internet the recent news of people I knew. Just for curiosity. I think this is not called poking, or maybe it is? Well, all the information available online are supposed to be public. So collecting the recent news of someone I knew, behind a monitor, is simply `data mining'. It's also safer, for you don't have to think about a response or an appropriate expression if you happen to ask the wrong question or get an unexpected answer. Alkward conversations happen all the time.

Anyway, so I go to an online forum and checked the recent post she sent. Our relationship is so strange. We've been in the same dormitory for a couple of years. We were two out of the three girls in computer science major. So we've been quite close -- but never emotionally. I think I tried. But it seems I can never open up to her. I can never say anything that stays deep inside me to her.

However, I really feel that we are of the same type. So my feeling tells me that we should understand each other really well. But it just didn't happen that way. Maybe that's one reason that I want to be informed of her information, by someone we all knew or by the powerful Internet search engine. Maybe I wanted to prove that my intuition was right. That she is the one that I thought she should be.

Sometimes, I also wonder what she thinks. Did she think the same way as me? Or she just didn't care? I don't plan to ask her. She is going to move to New York too. Oh, well, maybe we'll meet in the future. But I am sure it's gonna be the same as before. We'll talk about weather, old classmates, and blah blah, but never ever the type of conversation about our fear and worry and anything that is more than 2 inches deep.

走过的日子

看TalkToHer写的字，生如夏花。突然想，自己最美好的青春岁月都在做什么？

15岁，高考，家庭变故，不堪回首的一年。徒增伤感，不提也罢。

16岁，花季，忙碌的背影。

17岁，初恋的日子。记得夏天里那首歌，难以抗拒你的容颜。每日故意晚半小时到食堂，好同某个人‘碰巧’遇见，一起吃午饭。

18岁，忙碌着。某人已经飘洋过海，每天的一个email，开头都是dear.

19岁，生了一场病。

20岁，来到美国，开始新鲜的生活。慢慢学会过孤独的日子。每天晚上打几小时的电话。

21岁，交了两个朋友，经常‘三人行’。

22岁，玩弄别人情感，结果引火烧身。失败。

23岁，努力科研。同时整晚整晚上BBS灌水，写网络小说一。

24岁，讨了一个钻戒，开始思考未来。

25岁，毕业，结婚。个性膨胀。越来越倔强和叛逆。

26岁，经常发现日子过得飞快！努力想才能想起以前的事情。所以决定总结一下。

10年过去了，恍若隔梦。似乎最美好的时刻，还是停留在17岁。那个夏日的夜晚，蛙声一片。或是冬日，那个趴在桌子上打盹儿的某人。还有那个心情，轻松的，充满希望的心情。

逆反心理

我要搬家，cross-country，老妈打电话一再嘱咐，车子运过去，不要开过去。危险，云云。

本来我没有决定怎么搬，也有些想找搬家公司运车的想法。听老妈这么一说，决定了，一定要开过去。

不为什么，只是有人反对的时候，那个本来模糊不清的选择突然变得生动活泼起来。

同沙和尚在一起也是这样。最喜欢说的词是：就不！

你是想要我这么样吗？就不！

沙和尚气结，说，以后想叫你向东，就要告诉你向西才行。

我的论文的审稿意见，叫我引用这篇那篇一看就知道是审稿人自己的论文。

我顿时火大！凭什么？凭什么我的论文要他们来指手划脚？讨厌！本来也许会引，可是你要让我引，我偏不！

我青春期的时候，其实并没有一般人常见的叛逆想法。现在，离青春期都10年了，怎么越来越叛逆了呢？