衡水

以前有一次我跟妈妈回姥姥家，大概是出国前，我老妈突然问我，你以后再回来是不是也会觉得衡水特土啊？我当时想了一下，说，可能会觉得土，但是会很亲切。

真是这样。我花了一个晚上在网上google衡水的新闻，图片，别人写的思乡情。衡水也变了样子，路也宽了，新多出来的广场我都没有见过。上一次回家还是０２年，４年了，时光匆匆而过。我看着这些虽然漂亮但是陌生的图片，想，难道我的童年的小城，就这么永远的只存活在记忆中了吗？

今年暑假一定会去。而且，要带着沙和尚，去寻找我童年的痕迹。

网络是个神奇的东西

我前日在网上乱逛，竟然发现我妈妈一朋友的博克。真的是惊呆了。这年头，大家原来都上网了。仔细看看，原来他还一直在我常去的天涯发帖，我一直不晓得。真是，咫尺天涯啊。

他的文章中，诙谐幽默潇洒仍然是有的，也不确独特的观点。只是随处可见的思乡情是我没有料到的。衡水在他笔下突然变得很美。我觉得特别理解他。初恋的情怀，合着那时那事那景，在记忆中取其精华上色抛光，加上一点伤感，可以怀念一辈子。

时间真是一个有趣的东西。当年他初恋的时候，我才上幼儿园。现在我竟然可以理解他了。也许他认为我还是当年的孩子，也许，未必？

累

累的一个标志是有很多工作也不想做。

韩寒的blog的音乐总是很好听。今天是忽然之间。

忽然之间天昏地暗 世界可以忽然什么都没有 我想起了你再想到自己 我为什么总在非常脆弱的时候怀念你 我明白太放不开你的爱太熟悉你的关怀 分不开想你算是安慰还是悲哀 而现在就算时针都停摆就算生命像尘埃 分不开我们也许反而更相信爱 music 如果这天地最终会消失 不想一路走来珍惜的回忆没有你

我好想放个假啊。就呆在家里睡大觉。我迫切的需要一个假期。

我真喜欢韩寒这小孩啊

骂的好爽。转载一下放在这里，等我不爽的时候再回来看。

http://blog.sina.com.cn/u/4701280b010002kb

文坛是个屁 谁都别装逼

前天看了文学评论家白烨的大文（此人行文还严重不简洁，看得我头晕，看了一大段观点重复的文字后，发现那还是下篇，太牛了，最牛的还在后面，一看标题，这还是篇简要分析），摘抄一些：

80后作家这样一种姿态坚持下去，成为主流文学的后备作家是完全可能的

从文学的角度来看，“80后”写作从整体上说还不是文学写作，充其量只能算是文学的“票友”写作。所谓“票友”是个借用词，用来说明“80后”这批写手实际上不能看作真正的作家，而主要是文学创作的爱好者。

我以前说过 “80后”作者和他们的作品，进入了市场，尚未进人文坛；这是有感于他们中的“明星作者”很少在文学杂志亮相，文坛对他们只知其名，而不知其人与其文；而他们也似乎满足于已有的成功，并未有走出市场、走向文坛的意向。

作为我本人，非常讨厌以年代划分作者，每个优秀作者都是个性鲜明的人，哪能分类。同一年生的就是一类，卖猪崽呢。难道1966年到1976年间生的人都叫“文革类”？文革失败了，难道那批人就叫“文革败类”？时代划分人，明显不科学。

但是，这不是关键，关键是，他坚持认为，他认识的那批人（也就是照过面的吃过饭的那些码字的），写的东西才算文学。并假装以引导教育的口吻，指引年轻作者。

文学和电影，都是谁都能做的，没有任何门槛。某些人所谓文学评论家就非常愚蠢，对畅销书从来置之不理，觉得卖的好的都不是纯文学，觉得似乎读者全是傻逼，就丫一人清醒，在那看着行文罗嗦晦涩表达的中心就围绕着“装丫挺”三个字的所谓纯文学。但倘若哪天，群众抽风了，那所谓纯文学突然又卖的特火，更装丫挺的评论家估计马上观点又要变化。

书卖的好不好，和文学不文学没多大关系。比如这位白烨，行文罗嗦，观点重复，很没有灵气和文采，我要不是憋着要说两句，真是没耐心看完这样水平的文字。所以，可以想象，他要写一小说，势必要花去一万字描写一棵树。小说卖不好，肯定又要觉得这年代阅读风气出了问题。绝对是便秘怪马桶。

比如我，我的写作可以说是中国难得的纯文学。写我所想，并不参加任何宣传活动。也从不假惺惺叫帮人开个研讨会之类。新书也更无任何的发布会。卖的好，是因为写的好。有终一日卖不好，是因为总有那天，也没关系。很多的畅销书作家，写的都是纯文学。因为，无论他们怎么写，都有人送钱，所以，就彻底不用考虑什么取悦读者，迎合市场，想写什么写什么。相反，很多书卖的不好的号称纯文学作家，必须时不时考虑，我要加点吸引眼球的东西啊，我第80页要上个床（还得野外）啊，100页要同性恋（并且3P）一下啊，200页得来点暴力（必须死人）啊，400页得来点乱伦（还是母女）啊。（通常种类作者写东西还特别长，没500页打不住），440页文革一下啊。评论家一看，惊了，我操，都是人性啊，都是社会的边缘啊，都是性格的错乱啊，关心人类啊，牛逼，纯文学。

蛋，就是这么扯的。

还有，白先生文章里显露出的险隘的圈子意识。文坛什么，文坛什么，要进入文坛怎么怎么，听着怎么像小孩玩过家家似的。好像白老人家一点头，你丫才算是进入了文坛。其实，每个写博客的人，都算进入了文坛。别搞的多高深似的，每个作者都是独特的，每部小说都是艺术的，文坛算个屁，矛盾文学奖算个屁，纯文学期刊算个屁，也就是一百人手淫，一百人看。人家这边早干的热火朝天了，姿势都换了不少了，您老还在那说，来，看我怎么手淫的，学这点，要和我的动作频率一样，你丫才算是进入了淫坛。

部分前辈们应该认真写点东西，别非黄既暴，其实内心比年轻人还骚动，别凑一起搞些什么东西假装什么坛什么圈的，什么坛到最后也都是祭坛，什么圈到最后也都是花圈。我早说过，真正的武林高手都是一个人的，顶多带一武功差点的美女，只有小娄娄才扎堆。

至于年轻人，文学就是认真的随意写。人能做的只有这些，其他都看造化了。文学是唯一不能死磕和苦练的东西。更不能如虚伪的大多数前辈们一样。文学的最危险境界就是，着实虚伪，但自己还觉得自己特真诚。

（此文稍色，日后改正。对付迂腐固执的家伙，就得行色。我发表完观点了，不参与任何愚蠢的笔战论战之类。我很忙，我要进入车坛。）

==================================================================

看了以后我就去google白老先生了，果然，长的那是相当迂腐啊，还什么社科院研究员，没错，就是学术圈这帮人喜欢装B。

本来今天心情很糟糕的，在学术届混挺没劲的，比“文坛”还糟糕，大家什么都是peer review。看了韩寒的文字觉得骂得痛快啊。

就是，论文爱录不录吧，经费爱给不给吧，大不了不干了，回家生孩子去。

Persistence

Lessons learned: giving up is never the right thing to do. Be persistent and don't care what others think.

This is a reminder for myself. Being stupid for once is ok. Don't let stupidity happen twice.

The first snow this winter

Here is a picture from my window.

I crashed, again.

On friday night when I was cooking and cleaning the bathroom and preparing for dnn to come, he called me. Obviously too many things went wrong that night. At first the train from princeton to princeton junction was broke (again!). So he had to walk the long way back to his company, called me, and drove to Hamilton and hoped to catch the train there. Then he couldn't find a parking place near the train station and in a hurry he somehow left his wallet in his car. So, when he was close to penn station he found out that he lost his wallet. Further, he forgot to bring his cellphone. So in a word he was stuck there. I don't know why the train broke down whenever he took the train. Maybe I should not call him trouble maker anymore since now it sounds like a curse. But why my curse doesn't work for those who I want to curse?

Anyway, back to the topic. Obviously I couldn't handle it that he can't come friday night and it has to wait until saturday noon earliest to see him. The minute I dropped the phone I cried out. This is just too much. Why is it so hard on me? Yeah I think it's just because of the pressure of funding and teaching and publication that pushed me to a corner that I can not hold up. Preparing and waiting for dnn to come was like a break from the high pressure so that I could forget about those things that I got to do and had to succeed. And I can expect that just after a couple of hours I can talk to him about what is happening to me and what I feel and seek for comfort and encouragement. So several hours difference at this point seems to be a big deal! Several hours! How can I manage to get over it. What should I do next? And the big disappointment was that he forgot his cellphone. That means I had to wait for another hour to talk to him on the phone. Why was he not there when I needed him the most? It was just the helplessness that broke me down.

Eventually it turned out ok and I didn't work much for the weekend. Shoot. Whatever! Life goes on and who cares anyway!

Anti-control freak

I hate control freak. Whenever there are someone who wants me to do something, I call them control freak. They are annoying, aren't they? -- Why the hell do they care what I want to do anyway?

Obviously dnn knows this. He even remarked once: you are an anti-control freak. Whatever others say to you, you will surely act to the contrary, even when the others just wanted to care for me. This is a typical conversation between us.

me: I am so hungry. I am starved.
dnn: Go cook something! Find something to eat!
me: NO!

没头脑和不高兴

以前沙和尚高兴的时候，喜欢抓着我的手左右乱挥，有一次挥到门框上，我的手给碰出血，从此他再不敢这样做。

我们去买家具，沙和尚也是很兴奋的在show room里走来走去，忽然听到一声响，不知道他怎么就把一张餐桌的桌面给搞下来了。#·￥·%·#·%

前两天我在bookstore看到一个coffee mug，上面写着大字-- troublemaker。我迫不及待的买下来送给沙和尚做礼物。

我刚搬家来东部的时候，天气热得很，我每天都很烦躁。经常抱怨：me not liky。沙和尚说，you are so hard to please。

我回答，because someone always wants to please me。

My typical weekend life

Friday: happy, pick up dnn from the train station, relax, there is a loooooooooooooooong weekend ahead.

Saturday: watch cartoon, do laundry, idle, work a bit.

Sunday: Feel guilty, weekend almost passed and no work done, anxious, bad temper, dnn is scared and keep away from me.

Life is tough

I know I should be optimistic and always consider challenge as a fun game and battle with it. Then why do I always worry about it? I am afraid of failure. I am so scared that I would fail to such an extent that I even want to give up. I know, this thought is so shameful. And worrying does not help at all. So just stop thinking about it, and do the job.

我是做动感算法的小屁屁超人

娃哈哈哈哈。

动感算法：kinetic algorithms

理想主义和享乐主义

这是为什么我总是沮丧和沙和尚为什么总是高兴的根本原因。

Long island

I am a person full of complaint. So naturally, when I move to a new place, I complain about it.

Qing asked me what long island is like. I said not good. She asked how not. Actually I don't really know exactly what are not so good. I told her it's a small town type of place, too countryside. So she asked, like princeton? Oh, no, not as upscale. Like berkeley? Not as dynamic. And not as beautiful as palo alto. Not as fun as new york.... Okay, qing said. You are comparing it to the best aspect of the other places...

Today, an early saturday morning, after some rain last night, with light breeze over the face, a fresh smell of green grass, a cup of coffee at hand, I start to feel that maybe it isn't really that bad.

沙和尚+蜡笔小新

最近的四个事情：

1，因为沙和尚不认路，所以我教给他，在拐弯的路口，要找标志性建筑物，比如，我指了指前方的一个bank of america，噢，沙和尚做明白状，左看右看，大叫：这个路口的标志性建筑物就是一个yield sign。我晕。。。。

2，我们去吃一家buffet，沙和尚很喜欢吃里面的蒸的鱼，但是只吃边上的一小点蒸的比较嫩的肉。我表示不满，说他：你还真难伺候呢！他回答：不要因为困难就放弃哦~~~

3，我更新我的网页，用的是一个稍微老一点版本的microsoft frontpage，总也搞不定，沙和尚自告奋勇来帮忙，一会说搞好了。我跑过来看，发现teaching一栏下写着：How to Control Husband 101。

4，一次谈话时谈到杨振宁，沙和尚很开心地说：等我到29岁的时候就achieve了杨82岁才achieve的事情 -- 娶了一个28岁的老婆。

敝帚自珍

要搬家的时候才发现有这么多东西。带是定然都带不走的。然而整理的时候，却什么都不想丢掉。

我的一套盘子，还是刚刚来美国的时候买的，很粗的瓷，又沉，花纹却朴实可爱。在walmart的20块钱买的，用了这么多年，一个都没有坏，跟随我搬了这么多次家，这次要扔掉很是舍不得。

只是因为太有感情了。我看到这个花纹，就觉得亲切，是自己的盘子，是自己的家，自己的饭。别的盘子再漂亮，也没有这种熟悉的踏实的安定感。

童话中的小王子对一片玫瑰说，“你们很美，但你们是空虚的。没有人能为你们去死。当然罗，我的那朵玫瑰花，一个普通的过路人以为她和你们一样。可是，她单独一朵就比你们全体更重要，因为她是我浇灌的。因为她是我放在花罩中的。因为她是我用屏风保护起来的。因为她身上的毛虫（除了留下两三只为了变蝴蝶而外）是我除灭的。因为我倾听过她的怨艾和自诩，甚至有时我聆听着她的沉默。因为她是我的玫瑰。”

世界上的漂亮盘子太多了，世界上的玫瑰太多了，世界上的沙和尚也太多了，但是之所以这个盘子，这朵玫瑰，这一个沙和尚，对我这么重要，只是因为 --- 她是我的玫瑰。

Sell my junk and feel mad

Okay, I am selling my junk furnitures these days. I put up a webpage with pictures and wait for people to come and buy. Then this Indian guy called me and said he would be interested in buying my mattress. Okay, sounds good! Then he came and said oh he is a poor student and can't afford $100 for a mattress. Oh, well, then I feel sympathetic and asked him how much he would like to pay. He said $75. I really think that $100 is already a good price considered how much I paid for that bed when I bought it. Finally I said yes. He then asked whether he can take the dresser too for $5 more. What??? He drove me crazy. I suddenly felt very mad. What is he talking about? He made me feel like my stuff is cheap. Get out of my place, right now! I hate those people who always bargain bargain bargain... It's moving sale and the price is already very low. They still want to push it lower. Come on. That reaches my limit and I am getting really mad at him.

Somehow this selling makes me think. Some people just don't appreciate others' kindness, but instead try to take advantage of it. Qing told me the story of her moving sale. A guy came in and bargained and insisted to buy a big TV for $20 and asked Qing, a person who may only live for 5 more years, to help him carry it to his car --- a BMW convertible.

The really funny thing about the Indian guy is, before he left, he insisted to leave with me his phone number. He repeated said to me that I must call him if I can not sell my stuff before thursday. I know what he thinks, he thinks if I cannot sell them before I leave then he can further take advantage of it and dream to buy the rest of my stuff with $1.

I would never call him. I'll just give the unsold stuff out or throw them away.

Trip back to stanford

It is always nice to go back to stanford. Qing's apartment is nice too, right at Palo Alto downtown, only 1.5 blocks to restaurants.

I also watched a movie --- the march of the penguins. It's very impressive. It's really amazing that the penguins spend so much effort just to reproduce. After the movie I changed my nick on MSN to be "as strong as a penguin". There is a stunning scene in the movie that the male penguins gather together to get warm in a freezing storm with the spectacular southern lights on the sky. I couldn't get rid of this scene from my mind till now. The nature exhibits to us its top-most fascinations in the harshest environment with strongest animals. Ya, life is like that, and I should be tough, be strong, be like a penguin.

I hope you dance

If you can figure out a way to keep the energy and gumption and fire alive, you'll always stay young. And where there's youth, there's hope... where there's hope, there's wonder... where there's wonder, there's faith... where there's faith, there's chance... where there's chance, there's love...where's there's love, there's music... and dancing. So in my heart of hearts, I hope you dance.

我想当一个witch

看了电影be witched。

第一个想法是：这样我就可以想发多少论文就发多少论文了。

第二个想法是：可是那样还有意思吗？