因为今天要早起给报告，昨天晚上很早就躺到床上去。旅馆里king size的大床，软软的鸭绒被，加上淡淡的肥皂香，但是失了悃，很久睡不着，慢慢的想事情。
开始想将来搬到东部去，也要买这样一个大床放在家里，这样沙和尚周末回来，就有这样舒服的床睡。又想到他现在睡的鸭绒被也是我给买的。这个人，自己不会照顾自己，过得苦行僧一样而不自知。以前一直盖一床出国时就带来的被子，他们南方又没有好棉花，本来带来的时候被絮就是陈的，睡了几年重的跟铁似的，还是乐呵呵的盖着。后来我买了鸭绒被，给他盖上，让他摸摸，教给他，这个多么软又轻又暖和。我还自己缝了被罩，买了柔软的棉布，手工的一针一针缝了两个晚上。后来沙和尚得意得秀这个被罩给我妈妈：很了不起的样子，看，这个被罩是她自己缝的呢。
说到这里，忍不住又想起以前在大学的日子。虽然我知道，人的记忆是不真实的，总是美化着美好的事物，遗忘着痛苦的回忆。可是可是，真的，我整个大学的美好的时刻，就是那些实际上及其普通平常但是我就觉得无比浪漫的时刻。
就是在二教的教室里自习，炎热的夏天，沙和尚坐我后面的桌子，过堂风吹过，书页哗哗的翻着。
就是有一天，我做了个决定，走到一个教室里，沙和尚穿着他那件咖啡条绒外罩趴在桌上打盹，我敲了敲他面前的桌子。
就是一个傍晚，下自习的时候，我匆匆忙忙的回宿舍的时候，他从旁边的黑暗中跳出来，说：我能跟你说几句话吗？
就是在一个非常肮脏的食堂的刷碗的水池子里，他扭过头来，问我叫什么。我傻傻的看着他回答他。
一见钟情。什么是一见钟情呢，就是那么一个人向你走来，他也许衣冠不整，也许疲惫不堪，也许声音都是嘶哑的，但是你心里就是觉得有什么东西开始变化了。你就是突然觉得，这个人，为什么感觉这么亲密，好像前生见过，像是分开许久又重逢一样。而且因为分开太久，那么此生那是一定要牵扯在一起的，那么目光一定要停留不分离的。
想到在红楼梦里，宝玉第一次见到林妹妹，说：这个妹妹好像哪里见过。
琼瑶真是要羞死啊。再没有任何一句话，能够比这一句话更真实贴切了。爱的开始就是这样，你从远方走来，说一生hi，从此便一同走，再不分开。
写着写着居然写哭了。是激动的。为什么我能碰到这个人，能够这么体谅我。能在这个纷乱的世界里，一直用温柔的目光陪伴我，一直用宽广的肩膀容纳我。能有这么一个人让我来爱，是一件多么幸福的事。
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
无题
我上高二的时候，从学校回家，赶上下雨。回到家挺晚的，爸爸给我下的挂面吃，还切了盘牛肉。然后我爸就去把我的车子推到小屋里去，那几天他的脚被玻璃割破 了还没好，我看着他的绷带，觉得很心疼。当时我很羞涩，青春期，不可能象小孩子一样表示对父亲的亲昵，又尚不能将自己做成人看待。所以我不知道如何表达感 情，现在非常后悔。
后来我爸爸住院的时候，说想吃砂锅豆腐，最后也没吃到。这件事我一直不能忘怀，每次想起来都落泪。
他那场病生得太急了。我心理根本没有准备，象一场梦一样。一下子生活中出现了分水岭，后来的生活跟以前永远永远都不一样了。
现 实生活中我似乎很快就进入了新的生活。感情上总是不能接受。一直到现在都没有。我总觉得我爸爸的眼睛就在不远处看着我，沉默地，温柔地，飘洋过海地，看着 我。我非常后悔当年没有勇气对爸爸讲我真的很爱他。我希望他是知道我的，我希望他原谅我当时的沉默。我只不过是不勇敢，我后悔极了。
后来我爸爸住院的时候，说想吃砂锅豆腐，最后也没吃到。这件事我一直不能忘怀，每次想起来都落泪。
他那场病生得太急了。我心理根本没有准备，象一场梦一样。一下子生活中出现了分水岭，后来的生活跟以前永远永远都不一样了。
现 实生活中我似乎很快就进入了新的生活。感情上总是不能接受。一直到现在都没有。我总觉得我爸爸的眼睛就在不远处看着我，沉默地，温柔地，飘洋过海地，看着 我。我非常后悔当年没有勇气对爸爸讲我真的很爱他。我希望他是知道我的，我希望他原谅我当时的沉默。我只不过是不勇敢，我后悔极了。
Monday, June 27, 2005
A virtual identity
People who knew this blog don't know who I am in real life. And vice versa.
Sometimes I want to keep it that way. I have two faces, one in real life and one on the Internet. In fact, if I think more, I have more than one face in real life too. With my parents, I am the good daughter who is caring and confident and brave. With dnn, I am the naughty little girl who wants a lot of care. With myself, oh, I know that is the real me.
This real me has a lot of weakness. She is sensitive. She is fragile. She is afraid of many things. She is very demanding. She cries a lot.
Sometimes I want to keep it that way. I have two faces, one in real life and one on the Internet. In fact, if I think more, I have more than one face in real life too. With my parents, I am the good daughter who is caring and confident and brave. With dnn, I am the naughty little girl who wants a lot of care. With myself, oh, I know that is the real me.
This real me has a lot of weakness. She is sensitive. She is fragile. She is afraid of many things. She is very demanding. She cries a lot.
A girl
It sometimes feels strange that some people easily get together and become friends, and some others just can not, no matter how hard each tried.
I have a habit of checking on the Internet the recent news of people I knew. Just for curiosity. I think this is not called poking, or maybe it is? Well, all the information available online are supposed to be public. So collecting the recent news of someone I knew, behind a monitor, is simply `data mining'. It's also safer, for you don't have to think about a response or an appropriate expression if you happen to ask the wrong question or get an unexpected answer. Alkward conversations happen all the time.
Anyway, so I go to an online forum and checked the recent post she sent. Our relationship is so strange. We've been in the same dormitory for a couple of years. We were two out of the three girls in computer science major. So we've been quite close -- but never emotionally. I think I tried. But it seems I can never open up to her. I can never say anything that stays deep inside me to her.
However, I really feel that we are of the same type. So my feeling tells me that we should understand each other really well. But it just didn't happen that way. Maybe that's one reason that I want to be informed of her information, by someone we all knew or by the powerful Internet search engine. Maybe I wanted to prove that my intuition was right. That she is the one that I thought she should be.
Sometimes, I also wonder what she thinks. Did she think the same way as me? Or she just didn't care? I don't plan to ask her. She is going to move to New York too. Oh, well, maybe we'll meet in the future. But I am sure it's gonna be the same as before. We'll talk about weather, old classmates, and blah blah, but never ever the type of conversation about our fear and worry and anything that is more than 2 inches deep.
I have a habit of checking on the Internet the recent news of people I knew. Just for curiosity. I think this is not called poking, or maybe it is? Well, all the information available online are supposed to be public. So collecting the recent news of someone I knew, behind a monitor, is simply `data mining'. It's also safer, for you don't have to think about a response or an appropriate expression if you happen to ask the wrong question or get an unexpected answer. Alkward conversations happen all the time.
Anyway, so I go to an online forum and checked the recent post she sent. Our relationship is so strange. We've been in the same dormitory for a couple of years. We were two out of the three girls in computer science major. So we've been quite close -- but never emotionally. I think I tried. But it seems I can never open up to her. I can never say anything that stays deep inside me to her.
However, I really feel that we are of the same type. So my feeling tells me that we should understand each other really well. But it just didn't happen that way. Maybe that's one reason that I want to be informed of her information, by someone we all knew or by the powerful Internet search engine. Maybe I wanted to prove that my intuition was right. That she is the one that I thought she should be.
Sometimes, I also wonder what she thinks. Did she think the same way as me? Or she just didn't care? I don't plan to ask her. She is going to move to New York too. Oh, well, maybe we'll meet in the future. But I am sure it's gonna be the same as before. We'll talk about weather, old classmates, and blah blah, but never ever the type of conversation about our fear and worry and anything that is more than 2 inches deep.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
走过的日子
看TalkToHer写的字，生如夏花。突然想，自己最美好的青春岁月都在做什么？
15岁，高考，家庭变故，不堪回首的一年。徒增伤感，不提也罢。
16岁，花季，忙碌的背影。
17岁，初恋的日子。记得夏天里那首歌，难以抗拒你的容颜。每日故意晚半小时到食堂，好同某个人‘碰巧’遇见，一起吃午饭。
18岁，忙碌着。某人已经飘洋过海，每天的一个email，开头都是dear.
19岁，生了一场病。
20岁，来到美国，开始新鲜的生活。慢慢学会过孤独的日子。每天晚上打几小时的电话。
21岁，交了两个朋友，经常‘三人行’。
22岁，玩弄别人情感，结果引火烧身。失败。
23岁，努力科研。同时整晚整晚上BBS灌水，写网络小说一。
24岁，讨了一个钻戒，开始思考未来。
25岁，毕业，结婚。个性膨胀。越来越倔强和叛逆。
26岁，经常发现日子过得飞快！努力想才能想起以前的事情。所以决定总结一下。
10年过去了，恍若隔梦。似乎最美好的时刻，还是停留在17岁。那个夏日的夜晚，蛙声一片。或是冬日，那个趴在桌子上打盹儿的某人。还有那个心情，轻松的，充满希望的心情。
15岁，高考，家庭变故，不堪回首的一年。徒增伤感，不提也罢。
16岁，花季，忙碌的背影。
17岁，初恋的日子。记得夏天里那首歌，难以抗拒你的容颜。每日故意晚半小时到食堂，好同某个人‘碰巧’遇见，一起吃午饭。
18岁，忙碌着。某人已经飘洋过海，每天的一个email，开头都是dear.
19岁，生了一场病。
20岁，来到美国，开始新鲜的生活。慢慢学会过孤独的日子。每天晚上打几小时的电话。
21岁，交了两个朋友，经常‘三人行’。
22岁，玩弄别人情感，结果引火烧身。失败。
23岁，努力科研。同时整晚整晚上BBS灌水，写网络小说一。
24岁，讨了一个钻戒，开始思考未来。
25岁，毕业，结婚。个性膨胀。越来越倔强和叛逆。
26岁，经常发现日子过得飞快！努力想才能想起以前的事情。所以决定总结一下。
10年过去了，恍若隔梦。似乎最美好的时刻，还是停留在17岁。那个夏日的夜晚，蛙声一片。或是冬日，那个趴在桌子上打盹儿的某人。还有那个心情，轻松的，充满希望的心情。
Monday, June 20, 2005
逆反心理
我要搬家，cross-country，老妈打电话一再嘱咐，车子运过去，不要开过去。危险，云云。
本来我没有决定怎么搬，也有些想找搬家公司运车的想法。听老妈这么一说，决定了，一定要开过去。
不为什么，只是有人反对的时候，那个本来模糊不清的选择突然变得生动活泼起来。
同沙和尚在一起也是这样。最喜欢说的词是：就不！
你是想要我这么样吗？就不！
沙和尚气结，说，以后想叫你向东，就要告诉你向西才行。
我的论文的审稿意见，叫我引用这篇那篇一看就知道是审稿人自己的论文。
我顿时火大！凭什么？凭什么我的论文要他们来指手划脚？讨厌！本来也许会引，可是你要让我引，我偏不！
我青春期的时候，其实并没有一般人常见的叛逆想法。现在，离青春期都10年了，怎么越来越叛逆了呢？
本来我没有决定怎么搬，也有些想找搬家公司运车的想法。听老妈这么一说，决定了，一定要开过去。
不为什么，只是有人反对的时候，那个本来模糊不清的选择突然变得生动活泼起来。
同沙和尚在一起也是这样。最喜欢说的词是：就不！
你是想要我这么样吗？就不！
沙和尚气结，说，以后想叫你向东，就要告诉你向西才行。
我的论文的审稿意见，叫我引用这篇那篇一看就知道是审稿人自己的论文。
我顿时火大！凭什么？凭什么我的论文要他们来指手划脚？讨厌！本来也许会引，可是你要让我引，我偏不！
我青春期的时候，其实并没有一般人常见的叛逆想法。现在，离青春期都10年了，怎么越来越叛逆了呢？
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