Confusion #2

I am bad in making decisions. Whenever I plan to buy something I have hard time deciding which one to choose. It's just so hard. Everything has its pros and cons and it's very hard to decide which one to choose. Once you decide on one way, the other choice immediately disappears and looks suddently more attractive. I am greedy!

And I am demanding. I am very very demanding to myself. I want myself to be just perfect, nothing more, nothing less. Last night I talked with mom, I said I always focused on my flaws. I always use some maginifier to closely examine them. This habbit is not healthy and makes me depressed. It'll be good if I can stay peace with who I am sometimes. Everything in the world is about balancing. You desire to get more, then you take the chance to be disappointmented.

I talked with dnn

He is optimistic, as always.

When I was young, I play with girls that are always some years older than me. I was always the one chasing them and begging them to play with me. So I feel like I am always that one pursuing something more than what I am. This incompetent feeling is very hurting.

I was told by Qing some stories of a girl we knew. She likes to use some guys' feeling and steal their research ideas. Actually I don't really care whether this is true or not. There are always people like this and you can not avoid it. But there are also people who like to social and are very productive that way. I sort of feel I don't belong to this type of people and it's a little discouraging.

Feel bad

I sometimes feel bad when I see others discussing research problems. Today is thanksgiving. When I came to office, some guys were there discussing some problems. Then I suddently get upset. Shoot! It's like when you suddenly find out that others are playing some fun game and you are left out. It's like the whole world is making progress and you are stuck. That makes me anxious. :(

My confusion

I am always confused. I decide I'll sum up my confusion here and hope one day I'll finally find the answer.

1, What is life for?
2, What is the meaning of my research?
3, What should I work on?
4, Should I be more social or just accept who I am?
5, Am I smart or stupid?
6, Why do I always feel bad?

Research, mood and blog

I guess research is the kind of thing that constantly makes you depressed. Today I feel bad with no reason. :( And usually when I feel bad, I will come here and write my blog.

About myself

I think the problem with me is that when I speak in front of some audience and I will be nervous. And then I will behave like idiots and my brain doesn't work. I am not a person who can handle stress I guess. Well, that day qing said something interesting about the EE qual system. She said the professors wanted to test the students' ability in solving problems under stress. Then she questioned: why should the students do research under stress?? Haha..